There is this thing inside of me. This thing is something dark, evil and sinister. I hate it. It is an abomination!
It is sneaky, coming out when I least expect it, devouring my good intentions and plans to keep it under wraps. A song, a fleeting thought, words spoken by someone else, or even a smell brings this horrendous beast out where it has full control over me instead of me being in control of it.
There are times when this monster hides for days, even weeks before stealthily rearing it's ugly head again. Then there are times when it refuses to be hidden away, forgotten in some dark recess of my mind. Instead, it comes out in it's full rotten glory, defeating every self discipline I have and pounding me into dust.
When this thing is in control, guilt reigns in my heart. I become a failure, not even being able to control my impulses, actions or thoughts. I feel like trash, the lowest cockroach to roam a dung heap. I hate it...this thing inside of me.
I want to know how to rip this thing out from inside of me, then stab it until it can no longer hurt me. I am tired of this beast dwelling in my mind. I am tired of it taking control of me.
I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
It is hard to keep our self esteem in check when we are constantly reminded of who are "are not".
ReplyDeleteThe answer is to fight, yes but also to not let ourselves get caught up in taking control of the beast. Change is inevitable. Change is part of life and we can count on it. So, acknowledged the beast has come and know that it will try its evil ways of pushing you down. Keep in perspective that it will NOT stay.
I am with you on the murdering of this beast. I too want to just hit it again and again till it melts like the wicked witch in the wizard of oz. I would get a bad satisfaction of hitting it and watching it disappear. This, I know in my heart, is anger. The only one it is hurting is me. It isn't killing the beat unfortunately.
I WANT MY LIFE BACK TOO....BUT....I am trying hard to let THAT life go. I am building a new life. I am starting again. I am understanding and excepting my limitations and appreciating the things that I CAN DO. You must let that OLD life go. Say goodbye. Bury it and mourn it's loss.
THEN...you will have give yourself great opportunity to have more in your life. You will not think about all you have lost and you will find new things you are able to do.
I send my love.
Thank you for your wisdom and words of counsel.
DeleteOne day, I hope to have achieved my goals and dreams. I want to be in control of my mind and heart. One day...